Thursday, July 10, 2014

Losing it.

Posting this early because if I don't it might get lost in the chaos here. 

Whoever said "Build a house; lose a spouse" was not kidding. I am ready to kill just about anyone that dares look at me let alone open their mouth. I am beyond being at my wit's end.. .. I have no wit left. I am completely wit-less. And honestly, if my husband comes downstairs with any more curveballs, I will make the above phrase true.

We were supposed to move two days ago. First the builder dropped the our mortgage company is following suit. So. . .as I has mistakenly joked many many months ago. . .we are moving at the same time my baby sister is getting married. Life is a complete disaster.

I am finding it difficult to live in my "living room" and there is no idea when we will actually get to move these boxes into our new living room. I would bang my head against the wall repeatedly if I could get to one.

Beckett would be two today. I really don't know how it really works in cases of miscarriage. .. is he 2 in heaven? I know it doesn't matter but the question came up in conversation today and my wit-less brain stalled. And I just sat there thinking about my sweet baby boy.

Funny how that works. He might not have been a sweet boy. He might have turned out to be as willful as his brother. As temperamental as his parents. Who knows... but in my head he is the sweetest ever.

My husband has been involved in some pro-life discussions online following the Hobby Lobby verdict. (Let's all pause and cheer because this is a big deal.) As I am spending a bit of time remembering my short journey with Beckett I am angered again by some skewed views of the "Pro-Choice" movement.

I had no choice when I received the news that Beckett would have Down Syndrome. I had no say in the patronizing, pseudo-sympathetic face my "doctor" gave me when he told me that it would be in the best interest of all involved if I simply aborted my baby.

I had NO CHOICE when he brought up abortion several more times as the only humane and logical answer to this "problem." I had no choice to hear or not hear him say "If you really love your baby, you should terminate this pregnancy" as he kindly handed me a tissue. Where was my choice in that situation. I had not gone out seeking information on termination.

My baby was/is perfect just as he is. He was NOT a problem. He was created in the image and likeness of God. Not only that, but he would have likely had my eyes. His dad's lips. My sense of humor (and hopefully intelligence.)

I may be overstepping here, or misspeaking, but before you call me out on it, take a minute and re-read my first quick take.

He was God's creation but he was also my masterpiece. He was part of me. Part of my husband. A perfect product of love. He was my precious baby and to repeatedly hear that he was not worth a chance...well that was not MY CHOICE. To hear in my moment of grief that I should simply toss him away. . .what kind of choice is that?

It simply breaks my heart. If I spend too much time reliving that moment I may end up in a dark place.

We all have a choice....if only we all chose love. So many people spend so much time defending the right to NOT LOVE. To not care and to act in a way that ends the life of a masterpiece.
The world clearly needs more LOVE.
It boggles my mind and I must stop here.

I got to witness a miracle this week. If any of you read my blog you know that I adore Brett. If I had my way, he would be here in my disaster of a house already. He speaks to me and he has been through the wringer waiting for a family to commit to him forever.

This week not only did a family commit to him (they travel to his country on the 21st of this month) but a generous group of angels banded together and raised money for his adoption. His adoption fund went from 10k to nearly 14k in a matter of hours. A matter of hours! I was blown away.

Thank you to all that have listened to my endless shouting for Brett. Thank you to all that have prayed, shared and donated.

Thank you GOD for listening to these prayers and for sending such an amazing family to him. Please bless the rest of this journey for them! If you feel called to donate, funds are still needed! DONATE HERE!
There are many children blessed enough to be born. Masterpieces waiting for their family to cherish them. Adoption is not easy. Trust me. I know. We are still in the trenches here, but there is joy and there is growth. Love is not always easy. Parenting is hardest when I let other irritants and distractions get in the way of love. Evan has been home for 20 months. AND LOOK! JUST LOOK! Every time I feel I am failing as a Mama. . .I need to stop and look.

In honor of Beckett, here are two perfect little boys waiting for their families. Open your mind and heart to consider adoption! These children are perfect just as they are!


40331223243 RoganBoy, born May 2013
Down syndrome, Cleft lip / cleft palate, rickets, additional chord of the left heart ventricle, carrier of Hep. C antibodies

What a sweetheart!  He will be available for adoption in early summer.


AW! Look at this sweet chunky boy! 
Vaughan Photo 4 Apr-2013Vaughan-2014Boy, Born February 2012
Down syndrome

Brown hair, brown eyed Vaughan was born in February of 2012 with Down syndrome.  He has an infectious smile and big brown eyes.
Update April 2013:What a sweet and active boy. He always wants to play and brings your attention on him. He is very smiley and very happy boy. He moves a lot and likes to play with toys. He can roll over and sits up with support. He babbles. He eats and sleeps well and does not get sick very often.
Update July 2014: Vaughan continues to be an active, alert and happy child who loves to dance.  He walks, climbs, sits up, points, understands instructions, and finds ways to communicate his needs.  Vaughan babbles and is described as an all around fun kid.
Even though Vaughan was born prematurely at 36 weeks gestation, he is very healthy.  It is reported that he does not have a heart defect and currently requires no special care.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Monday, July 7, 2014

Little does he know

What can I say that I have not said recently. I love this boy. Here is Brett.

This boy tugs at my heart. His story is one that should break all of our hearts.

He is living in a situation most dire. His needs are not being met. He is not somewhere that he can thrive and grow. He cannot learn in safety, he is being mistreated. He does not know what love is. No idea what family means or that he is precious and lovable. He has endured this existence for nearly 7 years.

But his story is not over.

Little does he know that he is already loved. That a group of warriors decided not to let his story end in an institutional bed.

Little does he know that he is famous and his sweet face has been seen by thousands.

Little does he know that his family has found him.

That there is a $1000 matching grant to help that family bring him home.

Little does he know how his life is going to change in a matter of weeks.

Oh that grin!

I honestly cannot see through my tears, so please read here. AND HERE. 

Please help this little boy by helping his family finance his adoption by donating HERE. All donations are tax deductible.

His story can have such a happy ending with your help! He will come home with a multitude of difficult behaviors and many medical appointments; the last thing his family needs is to worry about money. Let's gift this boy and his family a fresh start to their new lives.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Blown away

The past few days have blown me away.

See, I am a believer until things start to look impossible. Then fear creeps in and my mustard seed-sized faith takes a beating. There is always hope and I cling to it, but if my feeble hand is involved, I bear the blame and the failure if things do not pan out the way I hope.

I have committed myself to getting Brett home. In the beginning I had hoped that home would be mine. Every time he got passed over, I had this inkling of hope that it was because God intended him for my home. My son.

I would be the blessed woman given the gift of this sweet boy. The mama that would get to comfort him and kiss him. Chase the monsters away. Celebrate his victories and rejoice when he realized his potential and worth. To see his face light up as Evan's does when he realizes the power of "Mama, God LOVES me!"

As I experienced with my own adoption journey. God knew the perfect child for our family. Yes, we thought we knew. Yes, we loved Pasha and longed for him to be ours. Yes, I still mourn this loss and the loss of others I thought would be mine but it is tempered by the wonderful son that is sitting here practicing his letters. I know in my heart that God has had HIS hand covering my family for a while now.

We have been tried. We have suffered. We have struggled and yet God has taken care of us. I have tried to control things and God has gently shown my HIS control. Love. Always with love.

And yet. . .I let doubt creep in.

When my Frozen fundraiser didn't instantly yield the 6k needed for Brett's freedom, doubt crept in. So I shouted louder. Let my control freak flag wave....

When weeks passed and his grant was barely moving, despair and doubt met and started having a party in my brain. But I waved my control freak flag harder.. . .desperate to do this.

This week, they took that party to my heart.

That's when God had enough.

He showed me that HE is in control and HE wants Brett in a family. It is not my family but a wonderful family is planned for him. My heart takes comfort in the fact that HE loves Brett even more than I do. HE knows his worth and just how precious he is. I cannot do anything. God CAN.

HIS plan is more amazing than anything I could have concocted!

We all have a part to play in this miracle. God is counting on us to have faith. To do our part. To be HIS hands and his feet. To bring his love and joy to all that we meet. Even if it hurts. Even if doubt and despair want to have a party in your head.

Several people are rallying around Brett, to get his grant up to 14k.

People are shouting and sharing.

Many have blogged. Read what they have to say!

"I Know This Boy"
"Sweet Brett"
"Brett's Chance"

Many have donated.

Many are praying.

This is God's way. Many hands make light the work. We are a community.

Everyone can do something. Let's continue the work for someone that cannot advocate for himself!


I am still shouting. Today it is not out of desperation and fear. It is with joy. I am watching a miracle unfold. It is my joy to do my part.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Strawberry Fields Forever

I took all three boys strawberry picking today. (Okay, I wrote this two weeks ago but I was convinced that I could never make sense out of this post. . .and nearly trashed it tonight. Instead I decided to simply post it.) Yup. I thought it would be fun. That the boys would LOVE picking the red juicy berries and that Opie would surely sleep quietly in the stroller while we engaged in this activity.

To anyone with a functioning mind. .. I can hear you laughing.

The boys DID love being out at the farm though picking berries was apparently low on their to-do list. Opie had no intentions of lowering the ear splitting volume of his cries, let alone sleeping. I furiously worked to keep my sense of humor and a modicum of control over the situation as I quickly tried to fill our bowls with berries. Faster, Becki! FASTER! MUST. FILL. THESE. BOWLS!!!

I giggled to myself at one point, looking up to the gorgeous blue sky when a smiling face caught my eye. It was the Ukrainian woman (and her husband) that Evan and I encountered at the Social Security Office the week after we arrived home with him. We started talking about Ukraine and Evan's language retention or lack thereof. Another Russian speaking woman overheard us and came over with a bucket of berries, offering to help the boys fill their bowls.

Needless to say the boys were thrilled! After expressing their exuberant gratitude, they promptly sat down in the dirt and began eating the berries. Mmm...kindness IS delicious!

Despite the company I brought with me, I find picking berries to be soothing. There is really something very basic and grounded about the activity of picking fruit. So in the midst of the chaos of my kids, picking fruit gave my brain a chance to filter through the myriad of experiences and thoughts that have been banging around in my head.

As I sorted through the lush green strawberry bushes, taking care to avoid the overripe, mushy berries, ignoring the unripe while searching for the best berries a correlation began forming in my brain.

I spend a lot of time examining myself and the manner in which I parent. I focus a fair amount of attention to things I would like to change about my parenting, looking at habits and hang ups. In short, I really apply myself to parenting. .in trying to be the best parent that I can be for my children and brutally whip myself when I fail to measure up.  I take my job seriously and at times, can be really hard on myself, focusing on my short comings and negative thoughts. Which though not unwarranted might be counterproductive.

Instead, I need to take a deep breath, square my shoulders and search through the underbrush, avoiding the qualities that are mushy and over done, giving good qualities that are not yet ripe the chance to grow and ripen to their fullest; without rushing them. I am not good at everything. I am simply not. I should focus on the skills, qualities and tendencies that are lush and ripe for the picking.

The good fruit.

Fill my basket with those. Take care to leave the undesirable fruit and the unripe fruit behind. This must be a conscious effort.

Wash that good fruit off, offer that to my kids and enjoy.

This must be a conscious effort of quality over quantity. If you simply focus on filling that basket, you will include more mushy, rotten and bright green berries than you ever intended. Thus making your children the sorters, trying to figure out the good and the bad. That is not your child's job.

There is no need to give credence to "I am the way I am, take it or leave it" mentality. Perhaps "good enough" is a cop out. Much good can come from focusing on the positive attributes that you bring to the table. Holding yourself accountable while giving yourself time to grow and ripen. All the while keeping your sense of humor while you forage around to find those qualities. They will be there and they might surprise you.

If you take the time, do the work...the outcome will be fruitful and delicious. Your children will thank you. Maybe not immediately, or with words. ..but they will thank you!

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Racing the Clock

It's been about 2 weeks of  our Frozen Doll giveaway. We are now $5385 away from Brett's family committing and time is certainly ticking. We are making progress but we have just a few weeks to raise this sum. Read here, here and here to get up to speed on this endeavor.

To assist in this fundraising I am hosting a final Frozen Doll giveaway.

Meet Toddler Elsa and Anna! They are joining forces to help Brett get home with his family.

To bring this tiny bit of royalty to your home. . AND help Brett get to his, here is what you have to do:


$5 = 1 entry
$10 = 2 entries
$20 = 6 entries


Sharing on facebook or twitter will get you an entry as well. One entry per day for sharing.

I will draw a winner on Friday the 13th at 630 PST.

Here's the backstory. 

Brett, dear Brett was abandoned by his birth mother. He has CP but despite this he is learning to walk. From his Reece's Rainbow profile: Brett is very smart and curious. He has some learning and language delays associated with institutional life, but he does speak in complete phrases around people he trusts. 
He enjoys cars, coloring and games. He got very excited when we showed him pictures of dogs and other animals, so he might do well with pets. 

The family hoping to add Brett to their adoption is experienced with institutionalized behaviors and CP. They would be such a blessing for Brett!

I just know that he just needs the love of a family to flourish and grow. He simply glows and I would love to see him with his family! 
I love this picture, taken just a month ago. Look at him go! 

Let's not let this little gem down! 

Friday, June 6, 2014

Frozen Recap!

Okay! I just want to bring everyone up to speed. We have ONE item left in this giveaway and it will go live starting Monday June 9th at 8 AM EST. I will draw the winner on Friday at 7PM EST.

Brett's grant is growing, PRAISE GOD and thank you to all who have entered and donated to Brett's rescue fund! His prospective family is eager to see his grant at 14k so they can afford to add him to their adoption.

$5402 stand between Brett and a family.

A mere $5402

 The following dollies have found new homes:

The Round 3 winner was Elizabeth K!

Amy A scored these two beauties in round 2!

Round 1 went to Jessica C and she kindly sold it to Lisa to further benefit Brett's fund!

The final installment of this fundraiser involves these 2 cuties! 

Monday, June 2, 2014

Ding, Ding! Round 3!

Okay! We are half way through our Frozen Giveaway Extravaganza! Let's catch our breath and remember what we are doing and why we are doing it!

In a word: LOVE.

And for Elsa....

Oh, and dear Brett.

This little boy has a piece of my heart. I wanted to adopt him but husband was not on board. I was thrilled in 2012 when a family came forward to adopt him and I was devastated when they returned him to the orphanage after they adopted him. I know that they had their reasons and this is in no way a judgement of them, but my heart broke for the little boy that was left behind again. His little heart. How confused and alone he must have felt.

But a family that recently saw him says he still glows. This resilient little boy.  He still looks with excitement to visitors and tries to speak with them. His light still shines brightly. He still needs family. A chance to really settle, adjust and grow.

That is worth fighting for!

There is a family waiting in the wings for Brett. They would love to add him to their adoption. They see his worth, they are well equipped to help him adjust! Let's bring them together!

With a little help from our Frozen friends, we can make this dream live. We CAN!

I will not rest until that happens. . .

The  party  was started with Elsa! Sweet Toddler Elsa! And Jessica Cooper won this just for sharing the giveaway. . .so SHARING IS CARING! And can be very profitable!
Amy Bullock Abeid is the proud new owner of these two beauties!


Which means.....up next. . .Queen Elsa. In her sparkly snow gown!

Disney Frozen Sparkle Princess Elsa Doll

To bring Queen Elsa to your home. . AND help Brett get to his, here is what you have to do:


$5 = 1 entry
$10 = 2 entries
$20 = 6 entries


Sharing on facebook or twitter will get you an entry as well. One entry per day for sharing.

I will draw a name when we have had 175 entries or as needed.

Remember, you must comment here or on my facebook post with your name and entry to be counted.

The following dolls will also be available in the following days/weeks. I am doing this one at a time.

Disney Frozen Deluxe Toddler Elsa and Anna Dolls

I THANK YOU!! Brett thanks you!